Hello all,

So much has happened since the last time I wrote that it’s hard to keep my thoughts strait.  I’ve been discharged from the Army for smoking weed, but ironically I got an honorable discharge, which is a good thing.  I’m home now, and I’m doing fairly well.  I’m working at a restaurant as a server and I make ok money.  I know one of the top managers at Bright House Networks and she’s going to try and get me a job there, which would be great.  I got engaged, and have broken up.  I have my own apartment now, which is good, because I’m truly tired of living under other people’s roofs.  I’m on my own now and I’m surviving, so I guess I can’t complain. 

I’d like to continue my previous thought.  I’ve truly adopted a new lifestyle of not worrying about things that I can’t control.  One cannot control the past, so there’s no sense in worrying about that.  One can also not control the future, though most like to think so.  No, in truth you can only control the present in the hopes that it might affect the future.  So, the only thing in life that you can control is the here and the now, and really there’s enough to worry about without adding a bunch of other crap to it.  I feel that if one would take all the time one normally spends worrying about things that one can’t control, and would focus it on just enjoying life, one would enjoy it a lot more.  Try it.  Now, I’m not going to lie to you and say that it’s easy, it is certainly not that, but it is more rewarding than always worrying about stuff.  Also, I don’t want you to think that one shouldn’t care; there is a very big difference between caring about something and worrying about it.  I care very much about a great many things, but I try very hard to not worry; to the point of having to catch myself doing it and forcing myself into thinking or doing other things.  I’ll tell you it’s not easy, but it is better than not living your life because you’re too busy worrying about it.  That having been said, I’d like to tell you about Tracy.

Tracy is my ex-fiancée

.  Tracy comes from a very negatively based family.  She is at 26 the youngest of 3 children still living with their mother, who is quite old and bitter.  Her older siblings have already conformed to this life, and I was hoping that there was some chance that she could move forward.  I find in her however the same problem that I find in most people, which is that she chooses to be miserable.  She has chosen to stay with her emotionally abusive family for the most asinine and human excuse ever conceived, “it’s all I’ve ever known.”  Truly I don’t understand this concept, ‘it’s all I’ve ever known,’ and so one chooses to be miserable because they are afraid to be or do something different.  If you stand still, life will pass you by.  I try to always move forward in my life, and doing so I am susceptible to stumbling and falling back, but I always move forward because that is the only way to experience life.  If you stand still in life, it will pass you by, and all you will ever know is what you already do.  You will wither away and die an old and miserable person, and all because you were too scared to try something different.  It is in this that…

            At this point I stopped and saved, I can’t remember exactly why, but it was probably to pick up some smoke.  It’s been probably 2 ½  months since I wrote that and I’ve left it unchanged, I’d like to continue now with my more current perspective.

            It’s difficult for me to judge other’s for their actions, because I feel one has to know more than reasons for actions but mental and emotional motivations for actions; and those are much more difficult to understand because they very from person to person.  They say that to error is human; I think to despair is human.  I think that people in general define their lives not by their happiness but by their dissatisfactions.  This I think is the greatest error of all.  You know, I’m not by any means the happiest person in the world, but for the most part I’m satisfied with my current situation, and what I’ve found is that when you stop worrying so much, things have a way of working themselves out.   Meanwhile, things in my life have taken a rather unexpected turn, but let me start at the beginning.  I’d like to tell you about Becky.

            Becky was my sister’s neighbor.  I met her on Halloween just before I left for the army.  She was 48 at the time and her 60 year old husband was dying of cancer.  Her husband died while I was away and when I got back her and I began talking and became close friends very quickly.  She was a director for Time Warner Cable and was going to hook me up with a job, but after me and Tracy broke up, I stopped caring so much about the job and so I didn’t press her about getting an interview.  The day after my 21^st birthday, she died of a stroke.  I saw her on my birthday, I invited her to dinner with me and my family, but she declined.  Instead she told me to come back over and have a drink with her after, but I didn’t come back.  I wish I could say that I got caught up in more important things, but the truth is that I just never imagined that I would never see her again, and so I just forgot.  She’s the first friend I’ve ever lost.  It’s weird because I really feel nothing.  I’m sad to know that I will never get to see and talk to her again, but really I feel exactly what I always knew I would, nothing.  Why am I so cold.  I feel so deeply and yet nothing at all.  Sad, yet at the same time I feel like this is just who I am and so I move on.  I’ve decided to go back to school as soon as possible.  I’m going to try to get in for the summer at Valencia, but that may not be possible; if not than definitely the fall.  I’ll be studying theater production. 

            I finally got my own computer, so I’ll probably be updating this on a semi-regular basic, so I’m going to stop here for now.  There’s more that I want to put in, but it’s late and I’m tired, that being said, thank you and good night.

Much love,

Zeus   

Hello all.

I've been home for almost a week now, it's almost time for me to go back to Texes.  I wish that I could stay, but I have to get back to work and all that jazz.  I've seen alot of my old friends and have spent time with my family. 

I went to Dan's house today and then had dinner with my sister.  After getting home I called Joe and went over to his house were I met this chick and... well... a gentleman never tells.  Anyway, I came back home at around 2 and have been writing ever since.  It feels good to write again.  I do more of it these days than I did before, but that's because I'm writing a comic book with this guy in my platoon, (Don't worry Jenn, I'll give you a free subscription ). 

I've had a pretty good week.  I'm happy that regardless of what happends when I get back, I can always look back at this week and remember that I had some good times.  I did some things that I probably shouldn't have done, but all in all I think it was all worth it.  I'm hoping to see Jeremy tomorrow, he's the only person left for me to see before I can go back to Texes happy. 

People keep asking me about how I feel about going to Iraq; they always want to know whether or not I'm scared.  I can honestly say that I'm not scared to go to Iraq, but it's strange because when I watch tv and see what's going on over there, I know that it's not just something that's happening somewhere far away that doesn't really affect me; this will affect me for some time.  I really don't know how I feel about it, kind of indifferent really.  Iraq to me is just another job, that's all it can be to me.  I don't know how the other's that are going with me feel, but really that's it for me; it's just a job.  It's a silly thing really, but true. 

Anyway, I've really got to go.  I might update again sometime in the near future, but than again maybe not.  Either way that's for reading.

Much Love:  Zeus

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't updated in such a long time, been busy.  Right, so I'm deploying in October to Iraq.  I can't say that I'm excited, but the money is good and it's tax free.  Uh... I'll probably update again later, but really I've got alot to do right now with getting ready to deploy and all that.  I'm going on leave on the 23 of July, gonna spend some time at home, I'll probably update more fully then.  Right well, I've got to go.

Much Love,                                                                                                     Zeus